Your own...personal...jeezy..: Our kayaking adventure (or how I survived Juniper ...

Your own...personal...jeezy..: Our kayaking adventure (or how I survived Juniper ...: " It all seems so innocent now... Hey, says I to Kbo...let's go kayak Juniper Springs! My doc had just cleared me from my shoulder surgery..."

Our kayaking adventure (or how I survived Juniper Springs)

   It all seems so innocent now... Hey, says I to Kbo...let's go kayak Juniper Springs! My doc had just cleared me from my shoulder surgery & I was itching to get back on the water. We decided to go last Sunday morning. I last kayaked Juniper, which is in the Ocala Forest, about 2 years ago with a kayak club & I was remembering how stunningly beautiful it was. As I was soon to learn, time can play tricks with the memory...

   In the week leading up to Sunday I decided that since we had our big 2 man kayak available, I would try to find some fellow paddlers. So, I DID find some, our friends Brian & Sue. But meanwhile Kbo also found 2, her coworker Sharon & her daughter Lexie. Ruh-roh! But Brian was able to borrow 2 kayaks so it was all good. So Saturday night I loaded the 5 kayaks in the back of my truck. A 10', 3-12' & the 16'...which I call
"The Beast", the blue one in the pic. This thing is built like a battleship & is just about as heavy. But we were all set for the next morning!

   I woke up at 6 AM. We weren't leaving here till 9, but I was raring to go. I farted around, drinking coffee, loading paddles & other miscellaneous, over thinking every last detail like I usually do. Finally at about 8:30 I decided to run up to 7/11 for a donut & chocolate milk, just to get something in my stomach & kill some time 'cause I'm all amped up. So I drive home, back into my driveway and......

  did this to my truck! Did I mention that my truck is only about 2 months old? Aaaaaarrrggghhh! In my amped up over analyzing state of mind I have forgotten I have the 16' long Beast in the back of my truck & rammed it right into my house! The house...did not move. But the Beast pushed the back of my bed into the cab of the truck, causing the rear window to shatter & glass fly everywhere. Oy friggin' vey. Of course, the Beast was unharmed, as it could survive a nuclear winter. When our guests arrived, they looked at me quizzically, as if to say... you are the one leading us into the wilds of the Ocala Forest?

   But off we went! We left Brian's minivan at the ending spot, then went on to Juniper Springs State Park. We unloaded our gear & finally hit the water. This is a first magnitude spring, so when you start your trip just past the boil, the current is moving pretty good. Here's the beginning of the run:

   It's hard to keep a camera dry while you're fighting a current so I didn't get many pics. But I did get a good shot of a Florida Sasquach:

 
Look out Sue, there's a Sasquatch on your tail! Oh my bad, that's just my friend Brian in his hair shirt. Sorry Brian old pal! Here's a better pic of Brian & Sue...before the carnage ensued...

   And here is the group shot...actually what I thought would be the last shot ever taken of us that the authorities would release to the newspapers for our obituaries or whatever:

   Doesn't Kbo look stylish in her Gilligan hat? And young Alexis is really the only one who should have survived, being more fit than all the rest of us put together. We took this break probably only a mile into our almost 8 mile trip. I traded with Sharon, who had been fighting the Beast mightily. I took the rear of the Beast (that's what she said) & she took my yellow sit on top.

   I have kayaked many waterways in this state, and this is one of the toughest paddles I have ever done. It seemed way way harder than the last time I was here. Super tight in places, trees down all over the place, over logs, under trees, in the bank, in the bushes...all with a very strong current pushing you into that next spider web. It...was...tough. Poor Kbo was verklempt. What started out as a fun paddle became a super strenuous game of survival.  And I kept telling them, the halfway picnic point is just ahead. But I never found it. Just more grueling hairpin turns under & over downed trees.

   And then, we came upon 2 ladies pulled off to the side. They told us about the rapids just ahead. There are no rapids in Florida I think to myself as we rounded the bend & saw the rapids. What the hell? I don't remember any rapids. But there they were & before you knew it...whoosh...we were flying over them hanging on for dear life. So on & on we go, one challenging section after another till we finally hear...civilization! We made it to the take out!

   Since we had cleverly brought a vehicle here beforehand, we wouldn't be like the other shlubs waiting for the shuttle. No sir, we would just get in the nice air conditioned minivan & drive back to the Park to get my truck. That is, until Brian remembered how he had cleverly locked his keys in the glove compartment of my truck so as not to lose them. Yes, the truck way back at the Park. So we talked the shuttle guy into giving me a lift, got my truck, loaded up & got the hell outta there. I think I left a trail of broken glass from my rear window all the way home.

   And now today, my truck is in the body shop, easy fix they say...I might even get it back Friday. As bummed as I was, it coulda' been a whole lot worse. And I think of how much fun we had. Sue laughing hysterically with Karan & keeping her spirits up. Brian usually bringing up the rear in case somebody got stuck. And when Sharon got into my single kayak, she was like a kid in a candy store.We usually only saw the back of her head as she was flying around a turn. And I remember Lexie looking at me & saying..."you really don't remember there being rapids?" 

    And here's why. On the shuttle ride back I asked the guy why it seemed so much harder than 2 years ago & he said...it's because the water is so much lower now. Aha! And because of cutbacks there isn't enough help to keep the run as clear of downed trees as they used to. I have been vindified! So...if you do the Juniper Run anytime soon...either wait for rain or take a chainsaw...

  But where are we going this weekend?!!!!!!

Your own...personal...jeezy..: Facebook : friend or foe?

Your own...personal...jeezy..: Facebook : friend or foe?: " Aaaahhh....Facebook. What an interesting animal this is. A place to find old friends & correspond with current & new friends or...middle..."

Your own...personal...jeezy..: "I did it...myyy waaaayyy"........

Your own...personal...jeezy..: "I did it...myyy waaaayyy"........: " So I'm thinking I may just have an itsy bitsy teeny weeny tiny touch of...OCD. Not anything serious like hoarding 49 pairs of grimy work ..."

Your own...personal...jeezy..: Things my surgeon didn't tell me...

Your own...personal...jeezy..: Things my surgeon didn't tell me...: " Just a brief blog about how my shoulder surgery is going. Did it last Thursday on outpatient basis. Went back Friday for follow-up & w..."

Your own...personal...jeezy..: The Delicate Subject of...Manscaping...

Your own...personal...jeezy..: The Delicate Subject of...Manscaping...: " See...this is why I don't allow my mother in law access to my stuff. How in the hell would I ever explain this? Manscaping...it seems..."

Your own...personal...jeezy..: The p. jeezy guide to standing in line...

Your own...personal...jeezy..: The p. jeezy guide to standing in line...: "Apparently some of you people need a refresher... 1. If you are the next in line at Subway & you are talking on the phone & slowing thing..."

Your own...personal...jeezy..: In honor of Corey...part of a blog from a few year...

Your own...personal...jeezy..: In honor of Corey...part of a blog from a few year...: "P.S......The Flaming Lips Story Which You Were Supposed To Remind Me About... One time about 9 years ago when my son was about 11 we got..."

Your own...personal...jeezy..: My experience on a murder trial jury...

Your own...personal...jeezy..: My experience on a murder trial jury...: "http://news.google.com/newspapers/p/st_petersburg?id=kfILAAAAIBAJ&sjid=81kDAAAAIBAJ&pg=3896,343555&dq=steven+peter+anderson+trial&hl=en ..."

My experience on a murder trial jury...

http://news.google.com/newspapers/p/st_petersburg?id=kfILAAAAIBAJ&sjid=81kDAAAAIBAJ&pg=3896,343555&dq=steven+peter+anderson+trial&hl=en

   In 1986, when I was 31 years old & we were still living in St. Pete, I was picked to be a juror on a high profile murder case in Clearwater, Florida. It was all over the TV and newspapers. If the link works above you can go read about it. It was one of the weirdest weeks of my life. I tried very hard to be a good jurist, not watching the news or reading the paper.

   A 34 year old Clearwater cop told a story of his 22 year old fiance, who was a Clearwater PD dispatcher, pointing a gun at him in an argument. He said he put her in a submission choke hold & she died. Then he said he panicked & put a belt around her neck to make it look like someone strangled her. In opening, his defense team said he made a tragic mistake but it was really just an accident. In looking at the guy, he was a clean cut young man & seemed remorseful. It all seemed very reasonable for a 2nd degree manslaughter charge.

         Then the prosecutors got up there & painted a whole different story...   

  They told about his temper & about how the two argued all the time & were very possessive. She was maybe even thinking of breaking off the engagement. And then they brought out the forensics experts. They showed us gruesome pictures of the autopsy & pointed out the webbed belt marks on the outside of her neck. But then...they showed us pics of the inside of her neck. They had filleted the skin back to show the muscles of her neck, which very clearly showed the webbed belt marks. Then the bombshell...only if she were STILL ALIVE would these marks show up on these muscles! The bastard strangled her with a belt & came up with this bogus story!

       You could have heard a pin drop in the courtroom....

   I'll never forget the look of shock on this guys face...realizing that the forensics had got him. They went on to show us other evidence like her eyes & blood pressure & stuff to back up their story. It seemed very convincing to me. So weird...a few days before I was ready to let him off lightly, and now I know he's a cold blooded murderer. So the defense in closing tries to refute the evidence & play on the emotion of him being a cop & a young guy etc. etc.

  So we go back in the jury room to deliberate. I'm thinking it's going to be pretty unanimous. We vote...and there's two holdouts! What the hell...we don't want a hung jury! It turns out it's two older ladies who were saying "but he's so young, we don't want to ruin his life..." I was incredulous & passionate about putting this guy away as were the rest of us. So basically we had to browbeat these ladies for about 3 hours till they finally submitted to reason. This is what goes on back in deliberation rooms.

  So, long story short...we find him guilty. The judge says we have to come back & pass sentence the next day. He was up for the death penalty & I was very uneasy having to contribute to THAT decision. But luckily the judge decided on his own to give him life with no parole. So as I type this...the guy is still sitting in prison 25 years later. He's now 59 years old. Weird...


What little moral there may be to this story is...you can't judge a jury for their finding. They are just normal people trying to do a very difficult job under surreal circumstances. And until you've been in that jury room deliberating on somebodies life...there's no way you can know all the back stage behind the scenes stuff that goes on. Do your civic duty & show up when your name is called... you might find it fascinating...

In honor of Corey...part of a blog from a few years back...

P.S......The Flaming Lips Story Which You Were Supposed To Remind Me About...

One time about 9 years ago when my son was about 11 we got tickets for the Lips at the late great venue in Orlando, the Edge. The only drawback was that they were opening for Candlebox. But we did not let that deter us.We got to the outdoor stage early & staked out our position. We saw the light & sound guys putting up their famous "giant wall o' lights & sounds. We were very excited! Just as the Lips were to take the stage a ginormous rain storm hit. It was of biblical proportions i tell you. But being the good little fans that we were we waited in the downpour till it stopped. Even my underpants were soggy.

But then the guy came out & said "Too wet...come back tomorrow." So we trudged back to our car just absolutely soaked. Now this is the part of the story that you can never ever tell anybody. We drove home nekkid. To this day my son will disavow any knowledge of this but I'm telling you it's true. We drove home nekkid. Without clothes. Nekkid. I remember my son looking at me like i was from some other planet when i told him this plan...but bless his lil' nekkid heart he did it! I was so proud...

So the next day we drive all the way back to the Edge. We wait in our spot again and who comes out on the stage? That pompous overemoting faux rock star singer from Candlebox! The Lips had moved on to their next gig! We were crushed! So after listening to about 2 songs and wishing my ears were actually full of Candlewax we decided to take off. I wrote this little story to Wayne Coyne of the Lips and told him he owed me big time but he has yet to respond...


******************************************************************************
Today is my sons 25th birthday. We did finally get to see the Lips together  at the House of Blues in 2009. It was well worth the wait...Happy Birthday Corey!

The p. jeezy guide to standing in line...

Apparently some of you people need a refresher...

1. If you are the next in line at Subway & you are talking on the phone & slowing things down you must forfeit your turn & move back 3 spaces. And be happy we don't smack you upside the head...

2. If you are in line at Subway & you are buying subs for everyone in your office park all custom-like...you must pronounce this as soon as you enter so all us single sub buying decent people can get in front of you. And since you're always on that damn phone, try calling your order in...

3. We don't care what Burger King says...have it their way & quit holding up the damn drive thru. If you don't like onions, pick them off as you're driving down the road & fling them at the homeless or something...

4. Speaking of Subway...did you notice the little railing they have to keep the line orderly & parallel to their counter? Please keep that in mind when:

5. You are standing in line at 7/11. For Gods sake don't start lining up away from the counter towards the coolers. People coming in have to walk around your stoopit ass to get to the Slurpee machine. And don't just hover in some vague place...establish a strong leadership position as the next-in-line person...and quit shouting to your bestie on the phone about Bruno Mars. WE DO NOT CARE. HANG UP & PAY ATTENTION.

6. And God forbid they open two registers. I have seen peoples IQ's drop by 50 points when this happens. Don't panic...calmly stake a position somewhere in between the two registers near & parallel to the counter. People will notice your anchor & line up appropriately behind you.

7. Yesterday I saw this slack jawed moron set the anchor somewhere between the cash registers &... Brazil. Yes...in South America. By choosing this nebulous position, all the rest of us had to line up behind this idiot like dull witted sheep. And then the newer people who came in start lolling around closer to the registers & we have to shoot daggers at them with our eyes. "I will cut your liver out if you attempt to get in front of me" we are all thinking. DON'T BE THE MORON.

8. If you pay for a 49 cent pack of gum with a debit card, each person behind you gets one free kick to your groinal area. Keep some spare change in your ashtray like the rest of us...

9. Keep close to the person in front of you. Do not allow large gaps to occur. Put on your shirt & wear some deodorant. Your bodily funk should not detract from my chicken biscuit...

10. If you are buying lottery tickets.........just don't.


Can't we all just get along...?

The Delicate Subject of...Manscaping...

 See...this is why I don't allow my mother in law access to my stuff. How in the hell would I ever explain this?

   Manscaping...it seems to be all the rage. No, I haven't been surveying my male friends or anything. That would be a little gay. Plus they're all married & never get sex anyways...what would be the point of shaving their pubes? "Look Honey, Mr. Pokey got a haircut!" But occasionally when I am clicking around on the interwebs I will inadvertently come across porn (that's what she said) and the guys are usually shaved. 

   But why? Do girls prefer this or do guys do it to gain a little extra if you know what I mean & I know that you do. I do trim myself but very reasonably. I have spent a lot of time in hockey locker rooms showering with men. And sometimes I'm even playing. If you bring your shaved Johnson in a hockey locker room you might just get your metrosexual ass beat...

   Now like I said, I don't look at porn because it's icky & wrong & runs up my charge card way too much. But one time I was innocently looking for some cute kitty pictures & came across a large collection of daginas. To my horror & despite my haste to close down this vile link I noticed that most of the girls were shaved.

   I don't understand this compulsion to want to look like a prepubescent girl. If men find this sexy...is this a comment on what men are really looking for or just a societal phenomenon? Look...I don't want a girl who looks like Don King just woke up in her underpants...but I don't want Dora the Explorer either. Nicely trimmed & smelling like a bouquet of roses is just fine with me...

   So there you have it. I am not afraid to tackle the tough issues. Now please excuse me because I have to go buy a new razor. This Norelco with the rotating heads is killing me...