Things my surgeon didn't tell me...

  Just a brief blog about how my shoulder surgery is going. Did it last Thursday on outpatient basis. Went back Friday for follow-up & was told I couldn't drive for...3 weeks! Mostly because of the Oxycodone I guess. Plus an arm in a sling. Ummm...I basically drive for a living? Maybe you could of told me this before? Oh well...I'm driving anyways...

  And I'm just going to put this out there...I gave myself an enema this morning. I know, I know...TMI. But my predicament was just so bizarre I have to share.

  Went through the weekend taking my Oxy & keeping the pain down. But come Monday morning I have to get out & do some work. Remember my "well oiled machine" blog? Well these damn Oxy's have me in a bind...and I mean that literally. OK, suck it up...no more Oxy...have to work...will hopefully do my business later. After work we go to CVS and I have Kbo buy stool softener pills while I stand next to her pretending they're not for me. OK...tomorrow morning it's go time!

  But...it wasn't. I wake up early & have coffee & go to the bathroom and....nada. Somehow my surgeon neglected to mention that anesthesia & Oxy might lock up my sphincter like day old play-doh. And now I am in real trouble! And real pain. My tummy hurts way worse than my shoulder. So I start walking around the basement doing painful laps...trying to get something going. Nothing. By now Kbo is up and I finally have to yell for her to help...no not anything gross but to race to the store for some help! While I lay groaning on the bedroom floor she zips back to CVS.

  You can skip this part if you want but it's funny. She brings me 2 different types of enema...I choose the oilier of the two for obvious lubrication purposes. I chase Kbo out of the room, get nekkid, put towels on the floor, and get down on all fours. But see...since my left shoulder & arm are in searing pain I can't use them. So I'm actually a tripod with 2 knees and my face...with my good hand ramming an applicator up my butt while trying to squeeze in the lubricant at the same time. Oh the picture this conjers...

  Long story short...after a few repeated attempts & nearly sliding off the toilet because of my oily butt I finally achieved some small victory...enough to let me feel a little better, shower, and attempt work. I hope tomorrow morning goes better...

"I did it...myyy waaaayyy"........

  So I'm thinking I may just have an itsy bitsy teeny weeny tiny touch of...OCD. Not anything serious like hoarding 49 pairs of grimy work socks in case I have 49 days of grimy work. That would be over the top. I only have about 36. Or so, but whose counting?

  OK...I'm counting. I'm frigging counting all the time. Lately I've been counting at the gas pump, watching the little digital numbers fly by with mind numbing speed, hoping I don't get distracted by that damnable sign on the pump advertising that delicious looking chicken biscuit...which I like to call "Bisquet de Salchida." Because if I get distracted I might miss stopping on AN EXACT DOLLAR AMOUNT. Not $20.01 or $40.03. It must be AN EXACT DOLLAR AMOUNT. And God forbid I should forget to hit the "Clear" button when I am done debiting. We have all seen those interweb stories of people stealing MILLIONS OF DOLLARS out of our accounts...Not me, Mr. Pump Scanner Guy...

  But let's get back to the house. In our silverware drawer we have 2 different types of spoons. These are forbidden to ever co-mingle. Spoons with flowery design have their slot, and spoons with lines on them have their spot. Putting these 2 in the same slot would instantly open a portal to hell. And of course I, like everybody else, rotates my dishes. When they come out of the dishwasher the clean plates have to go under the not as clean plates...because as everyone knows you have to rotate your dishes so they will wear evenly. Duh...! And I am a recycling Nazi. If you ever come to my house & throw a cardboard toilet paper tube in the trash, you will receive a sound thrashing...

  And did I mention my Power Underwear? (capitalized for emphasis) I know that you know what I know. If you have an important meeting or a job interview or possible sexy time you search through your underwear drawers for that just right non saggy tight elastic no skid mark pair of perfect undies. Perfect undies are power my friends! You all know this. I was nearly late to my own wedding because of a boxer malfunction.

   So there you have it. And after going back & reading all of this...I'm starting to think I may be crazier than Catherine Zeta-Jones...


 

Facebook : friend or foe?

   Aaaahhh....Facebook. What an interesting animal this is. A place to find old friends & correspond with current & new friends or...middle school all over again? I use it as a fun place, to write little stories & post goofy pictures & share music & talk sports & embarrass Kbo. It seems there is no limit to the idiotic things I will do on Facebook. I love to have fun with people...

   But I am very selective with who I friend. I am not in any kind of race to see who can collect the most people. If we are Facebook friends, it means that you or I might find each other at least a little bit interesting. You are somebody I want to interact with. I like reading about your kids & looking at your pictures & hearing about your job...I find it really entertaining & cool to have this little peek into your lives...

   OK, here comes the whiny part. I wonder why some of my carefully chosen friends never interact with me? I respond to their stuff when I can, trying to be friendly & funny but not creepy & pushy. I try to always see the good in people. I don't necessarily think that some of my friends are narcissists or cliquey...maybe they just have way too many friends to interact with. If you have 300 or 500 or 1,000 friends, how in the hell would you choose what to respond to?

   But don't get me wrong. That's a very small minority of my Facebook friends. Almost every one of my friends I have known on some personal face to face level at one time or another. And I don't really think about the other few who never respond, I just find it a curious Facebook phenomenon...

        Which leads me to these two very interesting Facebook features...Birthdays and Relationships!

   I used to be kind of ambivalent about birthdays but I've changed my ways. If it's your special day, the least I can do is drop you a note wishing you happiness. It's the little things, right? Now Relationships...that's a whole other matter. How many times have you seen the happy chatter of someone about their significant other, only to one day see that their Relationship Status has changed to...single? It's sometimes like a Greek tragedy played out right in front of you...

  So those are a few of my thoughts on Facebook. All in all I find it a fascinating place to play. And to those of you who refuse to play...I will hunt you down & eat your liver with some Fava beans & a nice Chianti.


          Oh yes, I can be very creepy indeed....................;->

Almost famous...

Recently I sat down for a Q & A session with a reporter for the Lake County Landfill Gazette to discuss an article appearing this month, "Landscaping with Bear Trash...Nasty Garbage or Post-Modern Expressionism?"


Q: Mr. Jeezy, how did you arrive at such an unconventional placement of garbage in your lot?

A: Well...it really is a total group effort. Dimmy Mouthbreatho provides the breathtaking array of Cocoa Puff boxes, Twinkie wrappers & Dominoes Pizza boxes & Mr. Bear artfully rearranges it into the masterpiece you see today. Really, my lawn is just the canvas...


Q: Was their any local resistance to this avant garde style of working with trash?

A:  At first the neighbors had some issues...County Sheriffs came out, Code Enforcement came out, Florida Fish & Game came out. Once they realized what a formidable proponent of garbage Mr. Mouthbreatho is, they soon learned that resistance is futile...


Q: Do you mean that there is nothing they could do?

A: Apparently not. The sheer brilliance of Dimmy is...if HE snuck over in the middle of the night & dumped trash all over my lot, he would be in violation of several laws. But since Mr. Bear is the actual artiste', that is perfectly fine!


Q: So there has been no further backlash?

A: Supposedly Code Enforcement has cited him, supposedly Fish & Game is sending a Game Warden around to make him secure his trash, supposedly pigs will fly up & down Wolfbranch Creek...we will just have to wait & see...


Q: And you have not been pressured to pick up this so called "mess?"

A: Sir, we are doing art here. Please show some respect. I will be picking up the "mess" as soon as the pigs fly up & down Wolfbranch Creek...


Q: Anything new on the horizon?

A: Why...yes! We are working on a new project that may include a collection of bio-waste! Mr. Mouthbreatho recently had surgery for Diverticulitis, apparently when you eat really crappy food, it messes up your system. Who knew? He is kindly donating his collection of used gauze, Tucks pads & incontinence diapers...along with a variety of syringes & colostomy bags. We are very excited! So stay tuned for further developments...

The China Syndrome...rethinking my nuclear dilemma...

Back in 1979, a little movie called The China Syndrome scared the bejeesus out of people with it's depiction of an American nuclear plant on the verge of a meltdown...along the lines of what's going on on Japan right now. In the movies supposed near meltdown, the core would have melted into the earth, hitting groundwater & contaminating the surrounding area with radioactive steam. Doesn't sound very pleasant, does it?

I remember seeing this movie & not being very enthusiastic about all the nuke plants on the table at the time. But in the ensuing years I had begrudgingly become somewhat of a...not really a fan of nuclear energy, but a realist. Coal power plants are just...bad. Fouling the air, fouling the waters...just not good. Wind, solar, natural gas...good alternatives that we should be using as much as we can to supplement  but can they really even put a dent in our energy needs? I'm not even going to mention oil.

But now let's talk about nukes. The bomb. The ones that we eradicated 2 cities with. This is our other use of nuclear fission...to blow stuff up to absolute unrecognizable smithereens. Some of us have it...and some of them don't. It's now known as a "nuclear deterrent." It's why we don't go smack North Korea around. It's why we play nice with Russia. It's supposedly why we invaded Iraq...although that turned out to be a crock of shit.

The 2 reasons why I have been thinking about the nuclear issue? Japan and.......Libya.

Japan is very dependent on nuclear energy, which is why they they are struggling so much now...not only to keep from having meltdowns but also in general trying to keep the radioactivity from contaminating the water they drink, the food they eat, and the air they breathe. We can't even imagine what these poor people are going through. And when are they going to have electricity again....next month...next year? I'm sure they tried really hard to make these plants safe, but who can plan on a monster earthquake & a giant tsunami? Not them, evidently...

And here's something interesting I learned today. Remember back in the 80's I think when Ghaddafi was being a real jerk...we though he was trying to build a nuclear arsenal & we had all the sanctions & stuff against him? Well a few years ago, he decided to forgo building nukes & we dropped the sanctions & he became one of our bestest buddies in the middle east. What a guy!

Here's the downside to that. When he gave up his nuke making abilities, he also lost his..."nuclear deterrent." Remember that? When people don't mess with you because they think you have nukes? When his own people finally got sick of his crap & revolted...we ended up HELPING THEM. Probably because of oil...perhaps because of our misguided attempt to make everybody everywhere a democracy...we are helping to put the smackdown on our former adversary turned bestie.

And guess who's watching this carefully? All the nations who we've been trying to get to give up their nukes. You think North Korea is not going...."see...this is what happens when you give up your "nuclear deterrent!" You haff no levrage! You lafifngstock!

So...in the space of about a month I am totally rethinking my stance on nukes. Bad energy...really bad bombs? Europe today is already reviewing all it's nuclear power plants...Germany totally is suspending construction. But what to do? Build more of these plants and hope for the best? I don't know what the answer is....

'Scuse me...while I kiss this guy...

 

This is definitely one of the most understood song lyrics of my generation. What Jimi was really saying in this buzzed out acid trippin' song was..."scuse me...while I kiss the sky"...which upon reflection makes about as much sense as the other.

What got me to thinking about song lyrics was my own 30 some year misinterpretation of The Pink Floyd classic Wish You Were Here, in which I have belted out the line twice in concert & countless times in my car at the top of my lungs..."did you exchange, a walk on part in a war, for a leaf grown in a cage?" for the actual line "for a lead role in a cage" which fits in much nicer with the actor metaphor thingy that Roger Waters was going for.


I just found this out recently. I argued with Kbo, no it's "leaf grown in a cage" you silly...till she made me look it up. Damn her! Now I have to unlearn 30 some years of stupidity...and that could be hard for me.

So I sent my crack research team out to find some other common song lyric mistakes from other stupid people and it was...very easy. Here are some for your perusal:

1. Toto--Africa..."I bless the rains down in Africa" became "I left my brains down in Africa..."

2. Bon Jovi--Livin' on a Prayer..."It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not" became "It doesn't make a difference if we're naked or not..."

3. Bob Dylan--Blowin' in the Wind..."The answer my friends etc.etc." became "The ants are my friends, they're blowin' in the wind...the ants are ablowin' in the wind...".

4. J. Geils Band--Centerfold..."My angel is the centerfold" became "My anus is the center hole..."

5. John Denver--Country Roads..."West Virginia, mountain momma" became "West Virginia, mount yer momma..." which seems to fit much better...

6. Creedence Clearwater Revival--Bad Moon..."There's a bad moon on the rise" became "There's a bathroom on the right..."

7. Queen--Bohemian Rhapsody..."Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me" became "The algebra has a devil for a sidekick eeeeeee..." which is just...weird...

Here's my top 3:

8. REM--Losing my Religion..."That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight" became "Let's pee in the corner, let's pee in the spotlight..."

9. Robert Palmer--Addicted to Love..."Might as well face it you're addicted to love" became "Might as well face it you're a dick with a glove..."

10. Madonna--Like a Virgin..."Touched for the very 1st time" became "Touched for the 31st time..."


So that's it. I'll just be over here touching myself with a glove while peeing in the corner. Hey...did you just call me a dick?!

Not...a 3 hour tour...

We have relatives in from Alaska this week & decided to do the long boating trip up to Silver Springs. We've done this trip before, in various boats with various amounts of people. This time in a deck boat (which is like a pontoon but with a hull instead of 2 pontoons) with a 125 HP motor...which cranks along pretty fast. We had 6 3/8 people on board...6 adults, 1 fourteen year old  & 2 doggies. We left the dock around 10 AM for the big adventure.

 

This trip is always a little tricky...you have to go through 2 locks...at Haynes Creek:
 
and on the Oklawaha:

Going up is a piece of cake but coming back...you have to get back downstream before the locks close for the night. If you dilly dally too much at the Spring, you might have to spend the night in a boat with 6 3/8 people. But I digress. We made it up to the Silver River, where Corey & I went for a pee...I mean swim.

 
Cruising around at the Spring I saw the old boat underwater:

The glass bottom boats:

And the poo throwing monkeys....which, according to legend, were left over from a Tarzan movie, escaped from a UF Lab...or spawned directly from Satan, which is what I believe:

On the way back I wanted a pic of Aaron & told him to flex his pecs, which prompted Corey to jokingly call me "Uncle Creepy." When I jokingly replied with a leer in my voice "I'll wait till later to look at this" there was an awkward silence & I felt very creepy indeed:

But on to the big finish. Karan's dad, who I shall call Cap'n Ahab, proceeded to tell us that not only were we probably going to be too late for the locks but also...we were low on gas! Ahab apparently miscalculated that 6 3/8 people hauling ass in a boat for a 100 miles in a day might take more time...and fuel. At this point I stopped taking pictures & concentrated on survival. Now I really was eying Aaron creepily, because being younger & more tender he was the 1st one I was going to eat when we resorted to cannibalism.

So we hauled ass to the 1st lock, warily watching the fuel gauge. We had to scream down the Oklawaha & across Lake Griffin to the entrance to Haynes Creek. At this point in the evening, the nice old people & rednecks were strung out in a line in their boats with their cane poles to catch some dinner. After we nearly swamped the 1st few with our wake, they began yelling "fisherman's courtesy!" which caused Ahab to retort with a sneering "go to hell asshole...we gotta make the lock" as he continued racing down the river to a chorus of cursing & shaking fists.

Making it through the last lock by the skin of our teeth, we were on to the next set of challenges...very low fuel & rapidly fading daylight. Now it's dark...and cold...and windy. Children are whimpering, dogs are whining. I am nearly out of beer. But we make to Lake Eustis! I suggest we hug the shore line in case we run out of gas, the wind would blow us ashore & we could find some help. But Ahab has a steely look in his good eye & continues to plow across the lake at about 1 mile per hour.

Did I mention the wind? We crawled across this lake, in the dark, with about a 4' chop. The sea this night was indeed angry. But Ahab thinks we can make it. We limped into the Dora canal on fumes and somehow miraculously made it back to their dock. I am still not certain if Ahab wasn't seeing the gas gauge clearly or what but who cares...we made it back alive!