How customer service nearly drove me mad...

   Recently I bought a new truck. My old truck was needing substantial repairs & it just made economic sense to trade it & get a new one. My new truck came with 3 months Sirius XM, who I already had an account with for a few years because I had a portable Sirius unit (that's what she said) that I would move from my truck to Karans car. I enjoy satellite radio & since I'm in my truck so much I decided to renew for another 6 months, so I mailed them a check for $30. I noticed yesterday morning that it had cleared my bank so I figured everything was good...

                                                      Not so fast, Babu...

  Whilst driving along yesterday my Sirius cut off & the message on the screen said "subscription cancelled." What thee hell I think...I just saw that my check cleared with them. So with my cell phone I call the number scrolling across the screen. Oh....my.....God.....I was connected to "John." Lets just say that John probably wasn't his real name & he didn't live anywhere near the Sirius XM corporate office park. And it became painfully clear that John was new at this. Following is the official transcript of our conversation. Johns part will be played by that kid in Slumdog Millionaire. My part will be played by George Clooney...

John: How can I be of helping you today?

Me: I just renewed my Sirius & it was cut off today...

John: I will be very sorry for your inconvenience & will hope to service you. What is your name, phone number, address, radio ID, account number, mothers maiden name, shoe size & birth date?

Me: Blah, blah, 2342, Florida, etc.

John: Please hold.

                                           ~~~~~~~smooth jazz~~~~~~~~

    Now I am not a particular fan of smooth jazz, especially while I am driving down a busy road with my cell phone glued to my ear while trying not to crash. But after 6 minutes...

John: I have been seeing that you have two accounts with us?  

Me: Yes, my new truck & my previous account for my old Sirius unit.

John: This is the truck which you drive concurrently?

Me: Yes...you see I bought a new....

John: Hold please...

                                      ~~~~~~~~~~smooth jazz~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  
By now my arm is starting to cramp & my ear is sweating...whether from the hot cell phone or the smooth jazz melting my brain I'm not sure. After 8 minutes... 

John: We will not see that you have made a payment. Can you provide a receipt?

Me: A receipt? When I send a check for my car payment for instance, they don't send me a receipt. Do you mean a cancelled check?

John: Hold please...

                              ~~~~~~~~~smooth fucking jazz~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John: I was sorry to be for putting you on hold, I had needs to check with my supervisor. Yes, we would require a copy of your check from your bank for verification of your payments... 

Me: Sigh.....OK John, where do I send it?

John: Hold please...

     ~~~~~~~~~smooth son of a bitch horn playing stick that sax up your ass I am flying to Mumbai John & I will kill you fucking jazz~~~~~~~~

   I could go on & on...but I think you get the drift. After a 30 minute cell phone conversation with India, I have to prove to them that I paid my bill. My blood pressure was up about 80 points & I had this strange compulsion to strangle Kenny G. In all fairness, John did temporarily turn my Sirius back on...so when I  track him down I will be gentle...  

Your own...personal...jeezy..: Our kayaking adventure (or how I survived Juniper ...

Your own...personal...jeezy..: Our kayaking adventure (or how I survived Juniper ...: " It all seems so innocent now... Hey, says I to Kbo...let's go kayak Juniper Springs! My doc had just cleared me from my shoulder surgery..."

Our kayaking adventure (or how I survived Juniper Springs)

   It all seems so innocent now... Hey, says I to Kbo...let's go kayak Juniper Springs! My doc had just cleared me from my shoulder surgery & I was itching to get back on the water. We decided to go last Sunday morning. I last kayaked Juniper, which is in the Ocala Forest, about 2 years ago with a kayak club & I was remembering how stunningly beautiful it was. As I was soon to learn, time can play tricks with the memory...

   In the week leading up to Sunday I decided that since we had our big 2 man kayak available, I would try to find some fellow paddlers. So, I DID find some, our friends Brian & Sue. But meanwhile Kbo also found 2, her coworker Sharon & her daughter Lexie. Ruh-roh! But Brian was able to borrow 2 kayaks so it was all good. So Saturday night I loaded the 5 kayaks in the back of my truck. A 10', 3-12' & the 16'...which I call
"The Beast", the blue one in the pic. This thing is built like a battleship & is just about as heavy. But we were all set for the next morning!

   I woke up at 6 AM. We weren't leaving here till 9, but I was raring to go. I farted around, drinking coffee, loading paddles & other miscellaneous, over thinking every last detail like I usually do. Finally at about 8:30 I decided to run up to 7/11 for a donut & chocolate milk, just to get something in my stomach & kill some time 'cause I'm all amped up. So I drive home, back into my driveway and......

  did this to my truck! Did I mention that my truck is only about 2 months old? Aaaaaarrrggghhh! In my amped up over analyzing state of mind I have forgotten I have the 16' long Beast in the back of my truck & rammed it right into my house! The house...did not move. But the Beast pushed the back of my bed into the cab of the truck, causing the rear window to shatter & glass fly everywhere. Oy friggin' vey. Of course, the Beast was unharmed, as it could survive a nuclear winter. When our guests arrived, they looked at me quizzically, as if to say... you are the one leading us into the wilds of the Ocala Forest?

   But off we went! We left Brian's minivan at the ending spot, then went on to Juniper Springs State Park. We unloaded our gear & finally hit the water. This is a first magnitude spring, so when you start your trip just past the boil, the current is moving pretty good. Here's the beginning of the run:

   It's hard to keep a camera dry while you're fighting a current so I didn't get many pics. But I did get a good shot of a Florida Sasquach:

 
Look out Sue, there's a Sasquatch on your tail! Oh my bad, that's just my friend Brian in his hair shirt. Sorry Brian old pal! Here's a better pic of Brian & Sue...before the carnage ensued...

   And here is the group shot...actually what I thought would be the last shot ever taken of us that the authorities would release to the newspapers for our obituaries or whatever:

   Doesn't Kbo look stylish in her Gilligan hat? And young Alexis is really the only one who should have survived, being more fit than all the rest of us put together. We took this break probably only a mile into our almost 8 mile trip. I traded with Sharon, who had been fighting the Beast mightily. I took the rear of the Beast (that's what she said) & she took my yellow sit on top.

   I have kayaked many waterways in this state, and this is one of the toughest paddles I have ever done. It seemed way way harder than the last time I was here. Super tight in places, trees down all over the place, over logs, under trees, in the bank, in the bushes...all with a very strong current pushing you into that next spider web. It...was...tough. Poor Kbo was verklempt. What started out as a fun paddle became a super strenuous game of survival.  And I kept telling them, the halfway picnic point is just ahead. But I never found it. Just more grueling hairpin turns under & over downed trees.

   And then, we came upon 2 ladies pulled off to the side. They told us about the rapids just ahead. There are no rapids in Florida I think to myself as we rounded the bend & saw the rapids. What the hell? I don't remember any rapids. But there they were & before you knew it...whoosh...we were flying over them hanging on for dear life. So on & on we go, one challenging section after another till we finally hear...civilization! We made it to the take out!

   Since we had cleverly brought a vehicle here beforehand, we wouldn't be like the other shlubs waiting for the shuttle. No sir, we would just get in the nice air conditioned minivan & drive back to the Park to get my truck. That is, until Brian remembered how he had cleverly locked his keys in the glove compartment of my truck so as not to lose them. Yes, the truck way back at the Park. So we talked the shuttle guy into giving me a lift, got my truck, loaded up & got the hell outta there. I think I left a trail of broken glass from my rear window all the way home.

   And now today, my truck is in the body shop, easy fix they say...I might even get it back Friday. As bummed as I was, it coulda' been a whole lot worse. And I think of how much fun we had. Sue laughing hysterically with Karan & keeping her spirits up. Brian usually bringing up the rear in case somebody got stuck. And when Sharon got into my single kayak, she was like a kid in a candy store.We usually only saw the back of her head as she was flying around a turn. And I remember Lexie looking at me & saying..."you really don't remember there being rapids?" 

    And here's why. On the shuttle ride back I asked the guy why it seemed so much harder than 2 years ago & he said...it's because the water is so much lower now. Aha! And because of cutbacks there isn't enough help to keep the run as clear of downed trees as they used to. I have been vindified! So...if you do the Juniper Run anytime soon...either wait for rain or take a chainsaw...

  But where are we going this weekend?!!!!!!

Your own...personal...jeezy..: Facebook : friend or foe?

Your own...personal...jeezy..: Facebook : friend or foe?: " Aaaahhh....Facebook. What an interesting animal this is. A place to find old friends & correspond with current & new friends or...middle..."

Your own...personal...jeezy..: "I did it...myyy waaaayyy"........

Your own...personal...jeezy..: "I did it...myyy waaaayyy"........: " So I'm thinking I may just have an itsy bitsy teeny weeny tiny touch of...OCD. Not anything serious like hoarding 49 pairs of grimy work ..."

Your own...personal...jeezy..: Things my surgeon didn't tell me...

Your own...personal...jeezy..: Things my surgeon didn't tell me...: " Just a brief blog about how my shoulder surgery is going. Did it last Thursday on outpatient basis. Went back Friday for follow-up & w..."

Your own...personal...jeezy..: The Delicate Subject of...Manscaping...

Your own...personal...jeezy..: The Delicate Subject of...Manscaping...: " See...this is why I don't allow my mother in law access to my stuff. How in the hell would I ever explain this? Manscaping...it seems..."

Your own...personal...jeezy..: The p. jeezy guide to standing in line...

Your own...personal...jeezy..: The p. jeezy guide to standing in line...: "Apparently some of you people need a refresher... 1. If you are the next in line at Subway & you are talking on the phone & slowing thing..."

Your own...personal...jeezy..: In honor of Corey...part of a blog from a few year...

Your own...personal...jeezy..: In honor of Corey...part of a blog from a few year...: "P.S......The Flaming Lips Story Which You Were Supposed To Remind Me About... One time about 9 years ago when my son was about 11 we got..."

Your own...personal...jeezy..: My experience on a murder trial jury...

Your own...personal...jeezy..: My experience on a murder trial jury...: "http://news.google.com/newspapers/p/st_petersburg?id=kfILAAAAIBAJ&sjid=81kDAAAAIBAJ&pg=3896,343555&dq=steven+peter+anderson+trial&hl=en ..."

My experience on a murder trial jury...

http://news.google.com/newspapers/p/st_petersburg?id=kfILAAAAIBAJ&sjid=81kDAAAAIBAJ&pg=3896,343555&dq=steven+peter+anderson+trial&hl=en

   In 1986, when I was 31 years old & we were still living in St. Pete, I was picked to be a juror on a high profile murder case in Clearwater, Florida. It was all over the TV and newspapers. If the link works above you can go read about it. It was one of the weirdest weeks of my life. I tried very hard to be a good jurist, not watching the news or reading the paper.

   A 34 year old Clearwater cop told a story of his 22 year old fiance, who was a Clearwater PD dispatcher, pointing a gun at him in an argument. He said he put her in a submission choke hold & she died. Then he said he panicked & put a belt around her neck to make it look like someone strangled her. In opening, his defense team said he made a tragic mistake but it was really just an accident. In looking at the guy, he was a clean cut young man & seemed remorseful. It all seemed very reasonable for a 2nd degree manslaughter charge.

         Then the prosecutors got up there & painted a whole different story...   

  They told about his temper & about how the two argued all the time & were very possessive. She was maybe even thinking of breaking off the engagement. And then they brought out the forensics experts. They showed us gruesome pictures of the autopsy & pointed out the webbed belt marks on the outside of her neck. But then...they showed us pics of the inside of her neck. They had filleted the skin back to show the muscles of her neck, which very clearly showed the webbed belt marks. Then the bombshell...only if she were STILL ALIVE would these marks show up on these muscles! The bastard strangled her with a belt & came up with this bogus story!

       You could have heard a pin drop in the courtroom....

   I'll never forget the look of shock on this guys face...realizing that the forensics had got him. They went on to show us other evidence like her eyes & blood pressure & stuff to back up their story. It seemed very convincing to me. So weird...a few days before I was ready to let him off lightly, and now I know he's a cold blooded murderer. So the defense in closing tries to refute the evidence & play on the emotion of him being a cop & a young guy etc. etc.

  So we go back in the jury room to deliberate. I'm thinking it's going to be pretty unanimous. We vote...and there's two holdouts! What the hell...we don't want a hung jury! It turns out it's two older ladies who were saying "but he's so young, we don't want to ruin his life..." I was incredulous & passionate about putting this guy away as were the rest of us. So basically we had to browbeat these ladies for about 3 hours till they finally submitted to reason. This is what goes on back in deliberation rooms.

  So, long story short...we find him guilty. The judge says we have to come back & pass sentence the next day. He was up for the death penalty & I was very uneasy having to contribute to THAT decision. But luckily the judge decided on his own to give him life with no parole. So as I type this...the guy is still sitting in prison 25 years later. He's now 59 years old. Weird...


What little moral there may be to this story is...you can't judge a jury for their finding. They are just normal people trying to do a very difficult job under surreal circumstances. And until you've been in that jury room deliberating on somebodies life...there's no way you can know all the back stage behind the scenes stuff that goes on. Do your civic duty & show up when your name is called... you might find it fascinating...

In honor of Corey...part of a blog from a few years back...

P.S......The Flaming Lips Story Which You Were Supposed To Remind Me About...

One time about 9 years ago when my son was about 11 we got tickets for the Lips at the late great venue in Orlando, the Edge. The only drawback was that they were opening for Candlebox. But we did not let that deter us.We got to the outdoor stage early & staked out our position. We saw the light & sound guys putting up their famous "giant wall o' lights & sounds. We were very excited! Just as the Lips were to take the stage a ginormous rain storm hit. It was of biblical proportions i tell you. But being the good little fans that we were we waited in the downpour till it stopped. Even my underpants were soggy.

But then the guy came out & said "Too wet...come back tomorrow." So we trudged back to our car just absolutely soaked. Now this is the part of the story that you can never ever tell anybody. We drove home nekkid. To this day my son will disavow any knowledge of this but I'm telling you it's true. We drove home nekkid. Without clothes. Nekkid. I remember my son looking at me like i was from some other planet when i told him this plan...but bless his lil' nekkid heart he did it! I was so proud...

So the next day we drive all the way back to the Edge. We wait in our spot again and who comes out on the stage? That pompous overemoting faux rock star singer from Candlebox! The Lips had moved on to their next gig! We were crushed! So after listening to about 2 songs and wishing my ears were actually full of Candlewax we decided to take off. I wrote this little story to Wayne Coyne of the Lips and told him he owed me big time but he has yet to respond...


******************************************************************************
Today is my sons 25th birthday. We did finally get to see the Lips together  at the House of Blues in 2009. It was well worth the wait...Happy Birthday Corey!

The p. jeezy guide to standing in line...

Apparently some of you people need a refresher...

1. If you are the next in line at Subway & you are talking on the phone & slowing things down you must forfeit your turn & move back 3 spaces. And be happy we don't smack you upside the head...

2. If you are in line at Subway & you are buying subs for everyone in your office park all custom-like...you must pronounce this as soon as you enter so all us single sub buying decent people can get in front of you. And since you're always on that damn phone, try calling your order in...

3. We don't care what Burger King says...have it their way & quit holding up the damn drive thru. If you don't like onions, pick them off as you're driving down the road & fling them at the homeless or something...

4. Speaking of Subway...did you notice the little railing they have to keep the line orderly & parallel to their counter? Please keep that in mind when:

5. You are standing in line at 7/11. For Gods sake don't start lining up away from the counter towards the coolers. People coming in have to walk around your stoopit ass to get to the Slurpee machine. And don't just hover in some vague place...establish a strong leadership position as the next-in-line person...and quit shouting to your bestie on the phone about Bruno Mars. WE DO NOT CARE. HANG UP & PAY ATTENTION.

6. And God forbid they open two registers. I have seen peoples IQ's drop by 50 points when this happens. Don't panic...calmly stake a position somewhere in between the two registers near & parallel to the counter. People will notice your anchor & line up appropriately behind you.

7. Yesterday I saw this slack jawed moron set the anchor somewhere between the cash registers &... Brazil. Yes...in South America. By choosing this nebulous position, all the rest of us had to line up behind this idiot like dull witted sheep. And then the newer people who came in start lolling around closer to the registers & we have to shoot daggers at them with our eyes. "I will cut your liver out if you attempt to get in front of me" we are all thinking. DON'T BE THE MORON.

8. If you pay for a 49 cent pack of gum with a debit card, each person behind you gets one free kick to your groinal area. Keep some spare change in your ashtray like the rest of us...

9. Keep close to the person in front of you. Do not allow large gaps to occur. Put on your shirt & wear some deodorant. Your bodily funk should not detract from my chicken biscuit...

10. If you are buying lottery tickets.........just don't.


Can't we all just get along...?

The Delicate Subject of...Manscaping...

 See...this is why I don't allow my mother in law access to my stuff. How in the hell would I ever explain this?

   Manscaping...it seems to be all the rage. No, I haven't been surveying my male friends or anything. That would be a little gay. Plus they're all married & never get sex anyways...what would be the point of shaving their pubes? "Look Honey, Mr. Pokey got a haircut!" But occasionally when I am clicking around on the interwebs I will inadvertently come across porn (that's what she said) and the guys are usually shaved. 

   But why? Do girls prefer this or do guys do it to gain a little extra if you know what I mean & I know that you do. I do trim myself but very reasonably. I have spent a lot of time in hockey locker rooms showering with men. And sometimes I'm even playing. If you bring your shaved Johnson in a hockey locker room you might just get your metrosexual ass beat...

   Now like I said, I don't look at porn because it's icky & wrong & runs up my charge card way too much. But one time I was innocently looking for some cute kitty pictures & came across a large collection of daginas. To my horror & despite my haste to close down this vile link I noticed that most of the girls were shaved.

   I don't understand this compulsion to want to look like a prepubescent girl. If men find this sexy...is this a comment on what men are really looking for or just a societal phenomenon? Look...I don't want a girl who looks like Don King just woke up in her underpants...but I don't want Dora the Explorer either. Nicely trimmed & smelling like a bouquet of roses is just fine with me...

   So there you have it. I am not afraid to tackle the tough issues. Now please excuse me because I have to go buy a new razor. This Norelco with the rotating heads is killing me...

Things my surgeon didn't tell me...

  Just a brief blog about how my shoulder surgery is going. Did it last Thursday on outpatient basis. Went back Friday for follow-up & was told I couldn't drive for...3 weeks! Mostly because of the Oxycodone I guess. Plus an arm in a sling. Ummm...I basically drive for a living? Maybe you could of told me this before? Oh well...I'm driving anyways...

  And I'm just going to put this out there...I gave myself an enema this morning. I know, I know...TMI. But my predicament was just so bizarre I have to share.

  Went through the weekend taking my Oxy & keeping the pain down. But come Monday morning I have to get out & do some work. Remember my "well oiled machine" blog? Well these damn Oxy's have me in a bind...and I mean that literally. OK, suck it up...no more Oxy...have to work...will hopefully do my business later. After work we go to CVS and I have Kbo buy stool softener pills while I stand next to her pretending they're not for me. OK...tomorrow morning it's go time!

  But...it wasn't. I wake up early & have coffee & go to the bathroom and....nada. Somehow my surgeon neglected to mention that anesthesia & Oxy might lock up my sphincter like day old play-doh. And now I am in real trouble! And real pain. My tummy hurts way worse than my shoulder. So I start walking around the basement doing painful laps...trying to get something going. Nothing. By now Kbo is up and I finally have to yell for her to help...no not anything gross but to race to the store for some help! While I lay groaning on the bedroom floor she zips back to CVS.

  You can skip this part if you want but it's funny. She brings me 2 different types of enema...I choose the oilier of the two for obvious lubrication purposes. I chase Kbo out of the room, get nekkid, put towels on the floor, and get down on all fours. But see...since my left shoulder & arm are in searing pain I can't use them. So I'm actually a tripod with 2 knees and my face...with my good hand ramming an applicator up my butt while trying to squeeze in the lubricant at the same time. Oh the picture this conjers...

  Long story short...after a few repeated attempts & nearly sliding off the toilet because of my oily butt I finally achieved some small victory...enough to let me feel a little better, shower, and attempt work. I hope tomorrow morning goes better...

"I did it...myyy waaaayyy"........

  So I'm thinking I may just have an itsy bitsy teeny weeny tiny touch of...OCD. Not anything serious like hoarding 49 pairs of grimy work socks in case I have 49 days of grimy work. That would be over the top. I only have about 36. Or so, but whose counting?

  OK...I'm counting. I'm frigging counting all the time. Lately I've been counting at the gas pump, watching the little digital numbers fly by with mind numbing speed, hoping I don't get distracted by that damnable sign on the pump advertising that delicious looking chicken biscuit...which I like to call "Bisquet de Salchida." Because if I get distracted I might miss stopping on AN EXACT DOLLAR AMOUNT. Not $20.01 or $40.03. It must be AN EXACT DOLLAR AMOUNT. And God forbid I should forget to hit the "Clear" button when I am done debiting. We have all seen those interweb stories of people stealing MILLIONS OF DOLLARS out of our accounts...Not me, Mr. Pump Scanner Guy...

  But let's get back to the house. In our silverware drawer we have 2 different types of spoons. These are forbidden to ever co-mingle. Spoons with flowery design have their slot, and spoons with lines on them have their spot. Putting these 2 in the same slot would instantly open a portal to hell. And of course I, like everybody else, rotates my dishes. When they come out of the dishwasher the clean plates have to go under the not as clean plates...because as everyone knows you have to rotate your dishes so they will wear evenly. Duh...! And I am a recycling Nazi. If you ever come to my house & throw a cardboard toilet paper tube in the trash, you will receive a sound thrashing...

  And did I mention my Power Underwear? (capitalized for emphasis) I know that you know what I know. If you have an important meeting or a job interview or possible sexy time you search through your underwear drawers for that just right non saggy tight elastic no skid mark pair of perfect undies. Perfect undies are power my friends! You all know this. I was nearly late to my own wedding because of a boxer malfunction.

   So there you have it. And after going back & reading all of this...I'm starting to think I may be crazier than Catherine Zeta-Jones...


 

Facebook : friend or foe?

   Aaaahhh....Facebook. What an interesting animal this is. A place to find old friends & correspond with current & new friends or...middle school all over again? I use it as a fun place, to write little stories & post goofy pictures & share music & talk sports & embarrass Kbo. It seems there is no limit to the idiotic things I will do on Facebook. I love to have fun with people...

   But I am very selective with who I friend. I am not in any kind of race to see who can collect the most people. If we are Facebook friends, it means that you or I might find each other at least a little bit interesting. You are somebody I want to interact with. I like reading about your kids & looking at your pictures & hearing about your job...I find it really entertaining & cool to have this little peek into your lives...

   OK, here comes the whiny part. I wonder why some of my carefully chosen friends never interact with me? I respond to their stuff when I can, trying to be friendly & funny but not creepy & pushy. I try to always see the good in people. I don't necessarily think that some of my friends are narcissists or cliquey...maybe they just have way too many friends to interact with. If you have 300 or 500 or 1,000 friends, how in the hell would you choose what to respond to?

   But don't get me wrong. That's a very small minority of my Facebook friends. Almost every one of my friends I have known on some personal face to face level at one time or another. And I don't really think about the other few who never respond, I just find it a curious Facebook phenomenon...

        Which leads me to these two very interesting Facebook features...Birthdays and Relationships!

   I used to be kind of ambivalent about birthdays but I've changed my ways. If it's your special day, the least I can do is drop you a note wishing you happiness. It's the little things, right? Now Relationships...that's a whole other matter. How many times have you seen the happy chatter of someone about their significant other, only to one day see that their Relationship Status has changed to...single? It's sometimes like a Greek tragedy played out right in front of you...

  So those are a few of my thoughts on Facebook. All in all I find it a fascinating place to play. And to those of you who refuse to play...I will hunt you down & eat your liver with some Fava beans & a nice Chianti.


          Oh yes, I can be very creepy indeed....................;->

Almost famous...

Recently I sat down for a Q & A session with a reporter for the Lake County Landfill Gazette to discuss an article appearing this month, "Landscaping with Bear Trash...Nasty Garbage or Post-Modern Expressionism?"


Q: Mr. Jeezy, how did you arrive at such an unconventional placement of garbage in your lot?

A: Well...it really is a total group effort. Dimmy Mouthbreatho provides the breathtaking array of Cocoa Puff boxes, Twinkie wrappers & Dominoes Pizza boxes & Mr. Bear artfully rearranges it into the masterpiece you see today. Really, my lawn is just the canvas...


Q: Was their any local resistance to this avant garde style of working with trash?

A:  At first the neighbors had some issues...County Sheriffs came out, Code Enforcement came out, Florida Fish & Game came out. Once they realized what a formidable proponent of garbage Mr. Mouthbreatho is, they soon learned that resistance is futile...


Q: Do you mean that there is nothing they could do?

A: Apparently not. The sheer brilliance of Dimmy is...if HE snuck over in the middle of the night & dumped trash all over my lot, he would be in violation of several laws. But since Mr. Bear is the actual artiste', that is perfectly fine!


Q: So there has been no further backlash?

A: Supposedly Code Enforcement has cited him, supposedly Fish & Game is sending a Game Warden around to make him secure his trash, supposedly pigs will fly up & down Wolfbranch Creek...we will just have to wait & see...


Q: And you have not been pressured to pick up this so called "mess?"

A: Sir, we are doing art here. Please show some respect. I will be picking up the "mess" as soon as the pigs fly up & down Wolfbranch Creek...


Q: Anything new on the horizon?

A: Why...yes! We are working on a new project that may include a collection of bio-waste! Mr. Mouthbreatho recently had surgery for Diverticulitis, apparently when you eat really crappy food, it messes up your system. Who knew? He is kindly donating his collection of used gauze, Tucks pads & incontinence diapers...along with a variety of syringes & colostomy bags. We are very excited! So stay tuned for further developments...

The China Syndrome...rethinking my nuclear dilemma...

Back in 1979, a little movie called The China Syndrome scared the bejeesus out of people with it's depiction of an American nuclear plant on the verge of a meltdown...along the lines of what's going on on Japan right now. In the movies supposed near meltdown, the core would have melted into the earth, hitting groundwater & contaminating the surrounding area with radioactive steam. Doesn't sound very pleasant, does it?

I remember seeing this movie & not being very enthusiastic about all the nuke plants on the table at the time. But in the ensuing years I had begrudgingly become somewhat of a...not really a fan of nuclear energy, but a realist. Coal power plants are just...bad. Fouling the air, fouling the waters...just not good. Wind, solar, natural gas...good alternatives that we should be using as much as we can to supplement  but can they really even put a dent in our energy needs? I'm not even going to mention oil.

But now let's talk about nukes. The bomb. The ones that we eradicated 2 cities with. This is our other use of nuclear fission...to blow stuff up to absolute unrecognizable smithereens. Some of us have it...and some of them don't. It's now known as a "nuclear deterrent." It's why we don't go smack North Korea around. It's why we play nice with Russia. It's supposedly why we invaded Iraq...although that turned out to be a crock of shit.

The 2 reasons why I have been thinking about the nuclear issue? Japan and.......Libya.

Japan is very dependent on nuclear energy, which is why they they are struggling so much now...not only to keep from having meltdowns but also in general trying to keep the radioactivity from contaminating the water they drink, the food they eat, and the air they breathe. We can't even imagine what these poor people are going through. And when are they going to have electricity again....next month...next year? I'm sure they tried really hard to make these plants safe, but who can plan on a monster earthquake & a giant tsunami? Not them, evidently...

And here's something interesting I learned today. Remember back in the 80's I think when Ghaddafi was being a real jerk...we though he was trying to build a nuclear arsenal & we had all the sanctions & stuff against him? Well a few years ago, he decided to forgo building nukes & we dropped the sanctions & he became one of our bestest buddies in the middle east. What a guy!

Here's the downside to that. When he gave up his nuke making abilities, he also lost his..."nuclear deterrent." Remember that? When people don't mess with you because they think you have nukes? When his own people finally got sick of his crap & revolted...we ended up HELPING THEM. Probably because of oil...perhaps because of our misguided attempt to make everybody everywhere a democracy...we are helping to put the smackdown on our former adversary turned bestie.

And guess who's watching this carefully? All the nations who we've been trying to get to give up their nukes. You think North Korea is not going...."see...this is what happens when you give up your "nuclear deterrent!" You haff no levrage! You lafifngstock!

So...in the space of about a month I am totally rethinking my stance on nukes. Bad energy...really bad bombs? Europe today is already reviewing all it's nuclear power plants...Germany totally is suspending construction. But what to do? Build more of these plants and hope for the best? I don't know what the answer is....

'Scuse me...while I kiss this guy...

 

This is definitely one of the most understood song lyrics of my generation. What Jimi was really saying in this buzzed out acid trippin' song was..."scuse me...while I kiss the sky"...which upon reflection makes about as much sense as the other.

What got me to thinking about song lyrics was my own 30 some year misinterpretation of The Pink Floyd classic Wish You Were Here, in which I have belted out the line twice in concert & countless times in my car at the top of my lungs..."did you exchange, a walk on part in a war, for a leaf grown in a cage?" for the actual line "for a lead role in a cage" which fits in much nicer with the actor metaphor thingy that Roger Waters was going for.


I just found this out recently. I argued with Kbo, no it's "leaf grown in a cage" you silly...till she made me look it up. Damn her! Now I have to unlearn 30 some years of stupidity...and that could be hard for me.

So I sent my crack research team out to find some other common song lyric mistakes from other stupid people and it was...very easy. Here are some for your perusal:

1. Toto--Africa..."I bless the rains down in Africa" became "I left my brains down in Africa..."

2. Bon Jovi--Livin' on a Prayer..."It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not" became "It doesn't make a difference if we're naked or not..."

3. Bob Dylan--Blowin' in the Wind..."The answer my friends etc.etc." became "The ants are my friends, they're blowin' in the wind...the ants are ablowin' in the wind...".

4. J. Geils Band--Centerfold..."My angel is the centerfold" became "My anus is the center hole..."

5. John Denver--Country Roads..."West Virginia, mountain momma" became "West Virginia, mount yer momma..." which seems to fit much better...

6. Creedence Clearwater Revival--Bad Moon..."There's a bad moon on the rise" became "There's a bathroom on the right..."

7. Queen--Bohemian Rhapsody..."Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me" became "The algebra has a devil for a sidekick eeeeeee..." which is just...weird...

Here's my top 3:

8. REM--Losing my Religion..."That's me in the corner, that's me in the spotlight" became "Let's pee in the corner, let's pee in the spotlight..."

9. Robert Palmer--Addicted to Love..."Might as well face it you're addicted to love" became "Might as well face it you're a dick with a glove..."

10. Madonna--Like a Virgin..."Touched for the very 1st time" became "Touched for the 31st time..."


So that's it. I'll just be over here touching myself with a glove while peeing in the corner. Hey...did you just call me a dick?!

Not...a 3 hour tour...

We have relatives in from Alaska this week & decided to do the long boating trip up to Silver Springs. We've done this trip before, in various boats with various amounts of people. This time in a deck boat (which is like a pontoon but with a hull instead of 2 pontoons) with a 125 HP motor...which cranks along pretty fast. We had 6 3/8 people on board...6 adults, 1 fourteen year old  & 2 doggies. We left the dock around 10 AM for the big adventure.

 

This trip is always a little tricky...you have to go through 2 locks...at Haynes Creek:
 
and on the Oklawaha:

Going up is a piece of cake but coming back...you have to get back downstream before the locks close for the night. If you dilly dally too much at the Spring, you might have to spend the night in a boat with 6 3/8 people. But I digress. We made it up to the Silver River, where Corey & I went for a pee...I mean swim.

 
Cruising around at the Spring I saw the old boat underwater:

The glass bottom boats:

And the poo throwing monkeys....which, according to legend, were left over from a Tarzan movie, escaped from a UF Lab...or spawned directly from Satan, which is what I believe:

On the way back I wanted a pic of Aaron & told him to flex his pecs, which prompted Corey to jokingly call me "Uncle Creepy." When I jokingly replied with a leer in my voice "I'll wait till later to look at this" there was an awkward silence & I felt very creepy indeed:

But on to the big finish. Karan's dad, who I shall call Cap'n Ahab, proceeded to tell us that not only were we probably going to be too late for the locks but also...we were low on gas! Ahab apparently miscalculated that 6 3/8 people hauling ass in a boat for a 100 miles in a day might take more time...and fuel. At this point I stopped taking pictures & concentrated on survival. Now I really was eying Aaron creepily, because being younger & more tender he was the 1st one I was going to eat when we resorted to cannibalism.

So we hauled ass to the 1st lock, warily watching the fuel gauge. We had to scream down the Oklawaha & across Lake Griffin to the entrance to Haynes Creek. At this point in the evening, the nice old people & rednecks were strung out in a line in their boats with their cane poles to catch some dinner. After we nearly swamped the 1st few with our wake, they began yelling "fisherman's courtesy!" which caused Ahab to retort with a sneering "go to hell asshole...we gotta make the lock" as he continued racing down the river to a chorus of cursing & shaking fists.

Making it through the last lock by the skin of our teeth, we were on to the next set of challenges...very low fuel & rapidly fading daylight. Now it's dark...and cold...and windy. Children are whimpering, dogs are whining. I am nearly out of beer. But we make to Lake Eustis! I suggest we hug the shore line in case we run out of gas, the wind would blow us ashore & we could find some help. But Ahab has a steely look in his good eye & continues to plow across the lake at about 1 mile per hour.

Did I mention the wind? We crawled across this lake, in the dark, with about a 4' chop. The sea this night was indeed angry. But Ahab thinks we can make it. We limped into the Dora canal on fumes and somehow miraculously made it back to their dock. I am still not certain if Ahab wasn't seeing the gas gauge clearly or what but who cares...we made it back alive!

Yak...

• 
  Did that get your attention? Did you think I had a big hairy cow looking creature in the backyard? No...it's what us slightly older wanna be outdoorsy types call a kayak. It's also sorta my new obsession. I won $1000 on the Super Bowl & decided to actually spend some of it frivolously...to hell with the recession! So I got a new Perception Carolina 12' kayak. Go look at my pics to see for yourself. I love it like it was my own child. I hold it & stroke it's shiny orange hull & dream of shooting class 5 rapids & paddling to Fiji. But mostly I've just been going up & down Wolfbranch Creek behind our house. Fat....guy ...in a ...little boat...
  
  Last Sunday I went to the Wekiva River which is about 15 miles from our house. I drove to the normal spot where I used to put in our old Tandem sit-on-top kayak but it was closed for renovations. So I went to the end of the road to another put-in I have used but they were out of business. Look... I have my new kayak & I am staring at the Wekiva River. To hell with the No Trespassing signs! I'm a rebel dammit!
  
  So I backed my truck up into some trees so as to be out of site of the toofless rednecks in their broken down mobile homes. I apologize to anyone who may resemble that remark. You know who you are. That song from Deliverance was running thru my head. But no one was around so I launched. Oh what extascy! My shiny little sit-in kayak is so nimble & fast. You are so low in the water that you feel like a fish. And no...it wasn't because I'm fat you smartasses.
  
  I paddled swiftly downstream like Daniel Day Lewis in "Last of the Mohicans" except with less hair & about 12 pack abs. I knew that as far downstream I went I would eventually have to paddle back so I planned accordingly. The river was angry that day my friends. Actually it was very calm & nice but I wanted to use that George Costanza line.
  
  From where I started to where I finally turned around I saw...nada. No houses, no boats, no people, no nuttin'. Absolute untouched woodsy wilderness. Now normally this is a kayakers dream, a beautiful river all to myself. I was all relaxed & reveling in my back to nature spiritual woodsy state of mind.
  
  That's when I saw the gigantic stalking gators...
• 
  
• 
• 
  Oh my God. I saw at least 20 gators in this beautiful approximately 2-3 mile stretch of river. The smaller 4-5 footers would stay on their logs sunning themselves & just look at me. But the big boys would crash into the water sounding like a Volkswagen dropped off a building. Very intimidating! And when they dropped into the water your mind starts going...where is he? Is he under water coming my way? Is he going to come up under my kayak & I'm going to have a death match with a 10' gator armed only with my paddle & a flip flop?
  
  I got a stiff neck from looking over my shoulder. I was so relaxed I got a tension headache. I think I peed a little when 1 big gator actually tracked my boat down river for a few minutes which seemed like a few hours. He was only about 40' away. I decided that I had seen enough nature for 1 day so I turned around & paddled for my life back upstream...occasionally glancing back to see if I was in imminent danger of being eaten. But after awhile with no gator jumparoo I relaxed & actually enjoyed my paddle back.
  
  Until my encounter with the aforementioned toofless rednecks...
• 
  
• 
• 
  When I got back near where I put in I hear him holler "Hey boy, is this your truck?" After being drained from all the near death gator stuff I just wasn't up to lying so I said "yes." "This here's private proppity" he says with a sneer. OK dude I think, I'm not here to steal your pit bull or your 78 Camaro. So I pull up & load up my stuff whilst listening to Darryl & his other brother Darryl lecture me about trespassing. No problem I say as I pull away hoping that they would never breed. So that was my excellent first adventure in my new yak.
  
  All in all the gators were much nicer than the rednecks...
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

  • • 
      
      
    • 
      

      
      

      
      
      
    •